Devil Getting a Raise in 2017

Netherworld 1 March 2017 — According to anonymous sources, The Lord of the Underworld is finally getting a much needed raise for his fantastic performance. Insiders say it was his amazing and somewhat surprisingly awesome work in the 2016 US presidential elections, which seems fairly obvious, but mooks and lackeys assert the raise was for his role setting up the


Now we just want a little daily unrest.

biggest financial bubble since the 1920s (which as of writing this hasn’t burst yet). “When Wall Street execs are jizzing hourly, we know the Devil has done an interstellar job!” said John Mook of The Infernal Security Detail, who is personally tasked with protecting the Devil from Islamist and Christian Terrorism. According to Abyss Torture Chief James Lackey, “When the truth becomes the enemy we know Hell is back in the pole position with Heaven eating our smoke and the Devil deserves some financial recognition as our hip-hop video producer and evil CEO.”

How the Devil is Paid in 2017

In olden days, the Devil was paid in souls. This was usually done in some kind of exchange. For example, clients of the devil would get the girl of their dreams in exchange for selling their soul, but in today’s faster-paced world even the Devil’s payment plan has changed to be smaller and recurring. “Eating souls is so devil 2.0,” says  James Lackey, “this Devil 2.0 just wants sleepless nights, higher stress levels, and more people sitting on the toilet when the toilet paper is out. Like all businesses, we’ve had to keep up with the times. The kids don’t want to sell their souls to be famous scientists or great hockey players anymore. They just want a few hundred likes for their social media posts. They no longer dangle their souls like devilish carrots, so we’ve had to adjust. We are no longer in the soul-taking business. Now we just want a little daily unrest. We only need a few seconds of our clients time daily. This new strategy has been very effective.”

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